Today I found out I'll be given the choice to drop to combined science. Cried and cried. Like crying would've solved anything but honestly. I don't even know what to do anymore. What is the point. If I drop to combined...don't even need to think about my single digit L1R5. Don't need to think about going to IB. Ahhhh sigh. Spent the rest of the day feeling extremely sad about myself. It's too late anyway. I tried my best. But apparently my best isn't enough. Nothing can be undone. I sound like some poser emo kid but honestly I don't even care how I appear to anyone anymore. I don't want to drop to combined. I don't want to disappoint. My mom's always been there for me whether I fail or not and she doesn't really care how I fare in exams and always says "I know you tried your best". Amazing mother, but I give shitty results in return. Seriously I know how disappointed she actually is, but she doesn't want to give me pressure or stress or whatever.
I feel extremely ashamed of myself. My mom never fails to encourage when I fail and simply just tells me to work harder next time. But no, I never seem to be doing well. You know how much it frickin' sucks when you get back an exam paper and all you see is a dismal score? I just wish I was more hardworking. I am embarrassed when I have to tell my mom my results because I know she'd give me the usual answers. She doesn't appear to be disappointed, but I know deep down inside she really wants me to do better. Sigh irdk. Why am i such a disappointment?
After feeling sorry for myself for the entire day, things became increasingly depressing when something happened. Feeling so stupid. Worst person on Earth right here.
I feel extremely ashamed of myself. My mom never fails to encourage when I fail and simply just tells me to work harder next time. But no, I never seem to be doing well. You know how much it frickin' sucks when you get back an exam paper and all you see is a dismal score? I just wish I was more hardworking. I am embarrassed when I have to tell my mom my results because I know she'd give me the usual answers. She doesn't appear to be disappointed, but I know deep down inside she really wants me to do better. Sigh irdk. Why am i such a disappointment?
After feeling sorry for myself for the entire day, things became increasingly depressing when something happened. Feeling so stupid. Worst person on Earth right here.
Today was far worse than depressing. I am a horrible person. I don't think before I act I just do whatever I want to. Back to results. If I don't do well enough for physics...I might just very well drop to combined. I swear if I do....my mom's gonna be so worried. Yes it appears that everything I do, my mom is affected by it. Well because besides God, my mom is my everything. She brought me and my sister up ever since my dad passed away. She is the reason why I'm in school. She's the reason I get to do whatever I want. She's the reason I have a house to live in. I need to do well enough in school to make my mom proud.
I have so much crap going on. School, tuition, ballet, piano. Repeat sequence every week. I NEED A LIFE DESPERATELY. I should be juggling my activities well, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I try to do my best in everything I do. Some days I just feel so insanely tired of everything happening at the same time. Like ballet. Been doing pretty well for every other grade except the recent ones. Attaining merit twice in consecutive grades. Totally under performing. Grade 8's so important. But I can't find the strength to persevere and try my best to learn every single dance step properly. Going for ballet seems like a chore some times. If I don't go for ballet, how am I to learn the steps? How am I to get my distinction? Disappointment yet again.
For now. I just have to pray hard enough and believe that my other subjects won't be as disappointing..... I believe God has a plan for everyone. If I really do have to drop to combined. It's probably part of God's plan. Time will tell.
end of unhappy/frustrated post.
I have so much crap going on. School, tuition, ballet, piano. Repeat sequence every week. I NEED A LIFE DESPERATELY. I should be juggling my activities well, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I try to do my best in everything I do. Some days I just feel so insanely tired of everything happening at the same time. Like ballet. Been doing pretty well for every other grade except the recent ones. Attaining merit twice in consecutive grades. Totally under performing. Grade 8's so important. But I can't find the strength to persevere and try my best to learn every single dance step properly. Going for ballet seems like a chore some times. If I don't go for ballet, how am I to learn the steps? How am I to get my distinction? Disappointment yet again.
For now. I just have to pray hard enough and believe that my other subjects won't be as disappointing..... I believe God has a plan for everyone. If I really do have to drop to combined. It's probably part of God's plan. Time will tell.
end of unhappy/frustrated post.
/edit: Release of results tmr. Praying hard I don't have to retain or go for study camp. Let go, let God.
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